Episode 1: I HATED but LOVED math!

After thinking about it, I realized I really, really “hate” mathematics. In fact, right now, you can say that I hate it to the core. And yet, in the end I came to the point of becoming a representative of the mathematics olympiad. Many of you will probably be saying “Huh? If you hate math this much, why did you become a representative? and how could you endure attending the camps for so many years?” because I was attending them for the past 3 years and then finally becoming a representative in the fourth(4th) year. I’ll have to tell you now that, in the past, mathematics was my everything. If there was no mathematics, my life wouldn’t have been this successful.

Actually, I don’t really “hate” math that much now, I just feel that I cannot make any progress. Simply saying, I feel like I’m stuck, or even going backward (like a logarithm function). Perhaps it’s because I devoted my time to preparing for the scholarship examination lately, so much so that I have no time to practice my mathematical skills. So it’s natural that I cannot perform as well as when I was in my prime. Another reason, which is the most important, is because I stopped myself from learning something simply because I didn’t like or understand the definitions at first sight. I gave up reading the sheets, even when just reading a bit further will point me to examples to help me understand or further details, leaving me unable to study new techniques or topics especially college math. For I keep thinking “these topics won’t be appearing in the olympiad! Studying them right now is pointless.” I thought that I can study them later when I’m in university. This creates two huge disadvantages at the same time. One, I cannot understand the origin of some problems which was adapted or inspired from college-level math. This makes me feel awkward when I’m reading the solution, I feel like I understand, but not fully. Different from others who fully understand and are able to adapt it for other problems. Next, I am at a disadvantage compared to others who study in college because in the US, there are already college math courses for high school students, leaving me in an inferior position and at risk of failing to catch up if I can’t get rid of this bad habit. Because of these, I cannot say that I stopped liking mathematics, just that the wall, which was built from my lack of ability and efforts to understand, that prevents my love for mathematics at the moment.

But it is still not too late to change, both for me and my readers who may experienced this problem. Actually, I get rid of that ineffectual habit since I have been here at the land of opportunity, US.

EP 0: Fear of being Lost

I believe that everyone has fear inside their hearts. Some fear because of their past experiences; others fear meeting new and unfamiliar things. But if you ask me what I fear the most, I can tell you that I fear being forgotten…

Every time I wake up in the morning, I rejoice, because I did not want to think about what will happen if I did not. Every night when I let my body fall on my bed, I ponder, “What if I never wake up after sleeping tonight? What will happen? How will I feel? Where will I go? Will my memories be lost forever?” There is one more question that I often ask myself – “Will I still live on in the memories of other people?” – for we cannot deny that even if we are famous or well-known, someday, sometime, we will be replaced – lost in the sands of time. Every time this question surfaces in my mind, I keep trying to find the answer – when my body decays, what will I leave behind in this world?

I have always hoped that in my short life, I will be able to do something for this world. This seems unlikely to happen both in the present and in the uncertain future, but there is one thing that I can do now – seize the chance to write about my experiences, and tell my life’s story to all my readers. For at least, my memory would still live on – it is the best that I can manage in the present and this work will persist for all eternity. I hope that the following stories will inspire and give insights to every readers, whether a lot or little.